


Twisted and Tied

by LadyProto



Series: Incommunicado [1]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Dick Jokes, Dirty Jokes, Gen, Humor, Misunderstandings, No actual sex, Sexual Humor, just caboose not knowing how to talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-09
Updated: 2016-08-09
Packaged: 2018-08-07 14:10:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7717783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyProto/pseuds/LadyProto
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Washington drowns his awkwardness in coffee as a half-naked Caboose tries to explain why he is sneaking out of Carolina's room before daybreak.</p><p>Caboose is terrible at explainations.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Twisted and Tied

“Good morning, Agent Washington. Why are you awake so early?”

“Good morning, Caboose," Washington sleepily nodded an acknowledgment out to his companion as they passed in the hallway. He barely glanced at Caboose, instead focusing on balancing the two non-descript mugs of reconstituted coffee in either hand. “Going to deliver some coffee to Carolina.”

“Carolina is still asleep. I didn’t wake her when I got out of bed with her.” 

“Hmmm, fine. More for – wait, what?”

Caboose stopped and turned around with a yawn. He was naked from the waist up and his discarded shirt lay twisted around his shoulders. His hair was tousled more than normal with little sweat induced waves kinking up at the ends. “She’s in bed. We stayed up very late last night.”

Washington had heard the words perfectly even with Caboose’s halting lisp, but all he could manage was a single syllable. “Huh?”

“I got to help her! She said she could usually do it herself but since she hurt her hand she needed help. I got to help Carolina!”

If it hadn’t been Caboose and Carolina of all people, Washington wouldn’t have needed to question the evidence. There was a half naked man sneaking out of Carolina’s room before daybreak -- you don’t get much clearer indications than that. Washington sucked the coffee out of the mug like Tucker could shotgun a beer and prayed that the caffeine would hit quickly enough to make this situation resolve itself. But as he lowered the mug and came face to face with the still topless Caboose, Washington realized there wasn’t enough caffeine on the planet to help him understand what was happening. “And she asked you for….’help’,” Washington repeated for his own comprehension.

“Yes! She said I was very good at it, so she let me stay. I am very good with my hands.” Caboose added proudly.

“Caboose,” Washington drew out the name like a curse as he stalled to gather the courage to ask the question. “I am asking you this as frankly as possible -

“I know a Frank! Donut or Doc?” 

“No, I need you to be frank.”

“But I am Michael!”

“No, I mean like straight forward.”

“Good, because I can’t go backwards. ”

“No! No, just no!" Washington jostled the mostly full mugs in front of him as he tried to bring Caboose back to the present. “Just answer the question. How did you help Carolina? Why aren’t you wearing a shirt?”

“I used my fingers. I got her wet."

Washington gave an undignified squeak like a teenage girl as he did a spit take. The last bit of gritty coffee in his mug painted the metal-panel wall. This was Caboose. This was the six and a half foot tall man-child who couldn’t tell the difference between a machine gun and a puppy. Did he even know what sex was? 

“Oh, she made that sound too! Do all freelancers make the same sound? That would be _awesome!”_

Washington blinked the tears from his eyes. He’d snorted hot coffee up his nose in shock. Even with the combination of the caffeine quickening his synapses and the hairs in his nose catching fire, nothing could compare to the abject terror in the implications from Caboose’s mouth. “No, Caboose, I don’t think you know what you’re saying."

“I never know what I’m saying!" Caboose happily sang out in agreement. 

“And it’s glaringly obvious right now. What did Carolina say to you?"

“Uh, let’s see," Caboose lolled his head side to side as if he were rattling loose the memories. “She said I was too rough-”

Washington immediately regretted his line of questioning. He inhaled the steam from the second mug of coffee as he tried to hide his little feminine sounding gasp. He started on Carolina’s coffee. Sounds like she had a good night and wouldn’t be needing it anyways. Eww.

“-but she let me keep going. So I tied her up with a nice bow.”

Holy. Shit. Bondage. Caboose just said Carolina let herself be _tied up_ , and while she had an injured hand no less. Caboose just insinuated that Washington’s ex-boss liked to be _submissive._ Washington felt his stomach do little flips at the implications. He needed something stronger. Tucker had beer stashed away somewhere, right? 

“-And that she knew a guy named York, but he wasn’t as good as it as I was-”

Washington had never known that his face could turn so many shades of red. Were his freckles blushing? Washington looked at his reflection in the inky blackness of the coffee. His freckles were definitely blushing.

“-and I said I had more practice because I had sisters!” Caboose finished with a flourish of his large hands. He pumped both fists above his head like he’d won a challenge.

“No, no, no, no --Wait, what?” Washington asked for the second time.

The door next to them slowly opened. Both men turned towards the sound. Carolina peered outward, with the slight tinge of a smile on her full cheeks. She seemed pleasantly rested and well-kempt, both of which shocked Washington even more. “You two are being pretty loud this early in the morning.”

“Carolina!” Caboose cried as he happily bounded towards her. Washington felt himself get a little sick from the sight, in combination with the 20 ounces of instant black coffee sloshing in his stomach. Caboose acted more like an oversized puppy than someone who had spent last night with Carolina. Holy shit, putting it into words was even worse. 

“See! See, Agent Washington! Look what I did!” Caboose flapped his hands around Carolina’s figure in excitement

“Caboose, no – oh,” Washington felt all of his assumptions crumble beneath him. Caboose gently ran his fingers over Carolina’s loosely woven braid and happily pointed to the small aqua ribbon neatly tied at the end. "See! I told you I tied her up with a bow and everything!”

Carolina didn’t tense away from Caboose but instead bit her lip like Washington knew she did when she was holding back a smile. “I broke my right hand, remember? I couldn’t wash or brush my hair one handed. Caboose was kind enough to help.”

Washington looked blankly ahead, trying to fit the puzzle pieces together in his head. “And you let him help you,” Washington repeated Caboose’s words from earlier as he started to understand what had really happened last night. 

“He did a good job. He was a little rough at first. Got his entire shirt wet.”

Caboose let the large smile stay on his face as he stood proudly by Carolina. “I did good so she let me stay and talk! I love to talk to Carolina!”

Carolina caught Washington’s gaze and smirked. “You look confused, Wash. Do you need a recap?”

Did she know? Had she been right by the door the entire time? It wouldn’t be unlike her to passively let Washington embarrass himself to the point of nearly choking on his own discomfort. She confirmed his suspicion with a final snide remark: “I think Caboose explained it perfectly. He used his fingers and got me wet in the process.”

Washington stared into the now empty mugs and questioned his entire thought process.

**Author's Note:**

> Still a little out of my element with the short humor.


End file.
